jiefo Blog

In my studies of economics, philosophy, and logic, I dove deep into theories of rationality of how to make decisions with soundness and reason.

But as Oppenheimer said, “Theory will take you only so far.”

Because life is not rational, our decisions do not strictly manifest as expressions of logic.

And so the cognitive dissonance I have been gripping with is, on the one hand, I exist in the professional world of logic and rationality, teaching future lawyers how to make reasonable assumptions and decisions in the LSAT. On the other hand, in the real world, I feel so strongly my emotions. What the body and heart want sometimes differs from what the mind wants.

Introverts are known to experience less but introspect and reflect more compared to their counterparts.

And so, on the days I don’t have a schedule filled with time to experience and create memories in the real world, I am stuck with wallowing in my deep emotions.

The emotion that I have recently been wrangling with is loneliness.

It’s been over two months since I completely uprooted my life, deferred law school, and decided to move to another country by myself. Taipei has been incredibly enlightening for my character development, but I have never been more lonely.

And despite having studied abroad five times in my college years, this loneliness is foreign to me.

But I have decided to lean into it — to embrace these emotions. Just as grief taught me that this terrible feeling only exists because it is the feeling of love persisting for my two friends, I am learning to come to terms with my loneliness as a realization that I should never take for granted the beauty of community, friendship, family, and love.

At times, I am deeply saddened when I realize that it is the 7th day in the week that I am eating dinner alone at the 7-11. But ever so often, when I am doing my evening walks in the park, I can pause and see the beauty and sounds of life happening right in front of me: a young couple meeting up, an uncle chasing their grandchild, people walking their dogs, a group of aunties dancing in the park square, and other individuals sitting alone, presumably texting their loved ones. I am reminded that love is all around me. That people’s unique individual complex lives, intermingling and connecting, means that I am just one step away from doing the same. And I remind myself that I have also created many deep and meaningful connections, some lost, some persisting, and many yet to be made.

So, I will do justice for my emotions and give them space to exist, breathe, and grow. I will allow myself to be fearful that I may lose my friends and loved ones one day such that I am reminded to love them hard when I need to and never be the first one to let go of a hug. I will allow myself to be lonely, for now, and accept that I have an irrational fear that I will always be lonely. I will turn to self-love and self-knowledge in these times of solitude. I will one day thank myself for not falling prey to the impossibility of living a purely theoretically rational life and instead choosing to live an authentic life. I will one day return back to this essay, to my other essays and poems, and thank this stranger for persisting, healing, and growing to be a better person.