jiefo Blog

No More Chasing — A Close of a Chapter

The Japanese practice of Kintsugi, meaning “to join with gold,” is a traditional repair method that takes the broken or chipped parts of pottery, glues them back together, and paints the seams with gold or silver powder. The practice is a philosophical reminder to remain optimistic despite the inevitability of imperfections: it teaches us to reframe mistakes and flaws not as something to be concealed but rather embraced and highlighted.  

For the past 9 months, I’ve believed I needed to be somewhere or someone else. A goal, a person, an experience, a place, a meaning to chase.

I had been chasing a future version of myself for the past year because I had the mentality that I needed fixing, that maybe I was broken. I didn’t recognize who I was even just a few months ago; now I realize it is because I was hurt and healing — and that’s okay — but that didn’t mean I was broken or beyond repair. And chasing is tiring.

To heal is to live; to struggle is to grow; to grieve is to have loved; to miss is an achievement. Impermanence is ubiquitous. I cannot flee from the universe’s omnipotent power to change. But change is what has allowed me to keep going. The uncertainty of life gave me scars and it is the passage of time that healed my wounds. Time has given me the power and the grace to pick up the pieces of myself and put them back together in a more beautiful arrangement.

I have learned, and am learning, that the seams and cracks of my life are with me forever, but I can accept them rather than conceal or reject them. These scattered and scarred pieces still have value, and there is a beauty and achievement to having suffered— and thus persevered — through it all.

I am in the happiest and healthiest state of my life in the past 5 years. If you’ve been following my blog or Instagram stories you might know that I’ve been open about some of my struggles. I went through life-altering experiences being bedridden and fighting for my health in 2019-2021 which made me realize how much I valued physical and mental health and relationships. When I moved to Taiwan in August 2023 for a gap year I learned how frightful loneliness can be, spending my birthday, Christmas, New Year’s, and many weekends not surrounded by the people I love most in the world struck me deeply. I still get lonely some days and that’s okay.

The constant change in life means I won’t always be this happy — thankfully it means the worst times, when they inevitably come again, will pass too and so they have.

When I landed in Taiwan I made a vow to take care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health more seriously. And so I began to mend these cracks.

For my physical health: Today is the close of my weight loss journey chapter. At my heaviest, I was 188 lbs/85 KG in weight and 30% body fat — which placed me in the category of obese. I was incredulous to see the numbers on my DEXA and Inbody scans, but after all the fabricated excuses I made up in my head, I had no other way out but to face the reality that I needed to take better care of my body. My goal is to look and feel better in my own skin. I enjoy movement and so I began moving my body again with some old and some new movements while rehabbing from an ankle and knee injury. Even something simple as walking without pain has been liberating and something I don’t take for granted. The journey to being comfortable in my skin is a constant battle, as some days negative thoughts of chasing different numbers or figures will still creep up, but I balance that with self-love and a reminder of the progress and growth I’ve already gone through. 

Here are some of the habits I’ve added to work on my physical health:

• Weightlift 3-4x a week
• Boxing or Muay Thai 2-4x a week
• Yoga + physiotherapy every morning and night
• Average 15k steps a day
• Eating more high-protein, whole foods meals 
• Portion control and eating slower — put fork/chopsticks down when chewing
• Learning how to swim
• Sunscreen and skin routine 

For my mental and spiritual health: I started to work through and better understand some of my past mistakes, traumas, and grief. I am continually learning to heal and grieve the world’s loss of my friends Ethan and William. I am continually figuring out who I am as a person. I began journaling and writing again and allowing myself to feel the full breadth and depth of my emotions. I try very hard to not label my feelings as inherently negative or positive, but just that they are. I give myself permission to cry when that emotion comes up, or to laugh loudly with friends, to dance happily like no one is watching. I used to think that my overthinking was a flaw, but in reality, it is a power that I need to balance with “no thought” and action, and meditation helps ground me in my thoughts while I proactively practice overcoming my indecisiveness. I don’t let people I love and care about ever be uncertain of how much I love and care about them. I say “I love you” often and proudly. And I try to live the most authentic version of myself without fear of judgment.

Here are some of the habits I’ve added to work on my mental and spiritual health:

• Therapy
• Daily morning meditation, minimum 20 minutes
• Walking meditation
• Daily journaling and more long-form writing 
• Calling my parents and grandparents more often
• Actively checking in with my friends and family more
• Reading and learning in my free time
• Severely limited my social media usage with app blockage
• Social media cleansing: Removed my followers and unfollowed about 1000 people on Instagram; content cleansing and removing unhealthy content from my feeds

The end of May is the close of an important chapter of my life: I finished my 3 semesters learning Chinese at NTNU; I’ve begun saying goodbye to many of my friends who are leaving Taipei; and it was also the deadline for my weight loss journey (and I ended up hitting my 12% body fat goal today.) I’ve done a lot of growing and struggling and mending the seams. As I begin closing one important chapter, perhaps it is time to also open a new chapter where I entertain the idea that I am not and was never broken but simply needed time to put the pieces back together. Now might be a good time to decorate the cracks with gold.

The grass is always greener on the side you water it, and the chipped and cracked parts of yourself can always be glued back together. It is time for me to stop chasing, and instead to practice the art of being. 

Anyways, if you have read this far I want to thank you for being someone who genuinely cares about what is going on in my life, and I’d love to hear from you in some capacity (note/comment/message). I’ve always approached writing my blog as a journal for myself to reflect back on but being seen and heard by others is something I will always be thankful for. I hope you gained something out of reading about my journey.

Much love.

Jeff